Suicidal Grace

My son’s death triggered all kinds of emotions and memories for me. I read comments that said that people20150917_093355 (1) who commit suicide are selfish. I am here to tell you that I understand the pain of the one that has attempted or has committed suicide. I do not come from a place of empathy, but from a place of first-hand experience. I too attempted suicide years ago.

After coming home from prison I made the decision to live a legit life and do everything by the book. I didn’t know how hard it would be to honor that commitment. I found myself homeless, with no job, no money, unable to provide for my children, and literally sleeping on park benches and eventually staying in a shelter. I felt like I was a burden to my family and friends because I couldn’t even take care of the basics for myself.

The thought that those who commit suicide are selfish, is the furthest thing from the truth. Suicide has nothing to do with being selfish. It has everything to do with being in such a dark hopeless place, that you no longer fear what is on the other side. You are just looking for relief from the pain and the hurt. Once you get to that point where you are so low you can’t see any sign of light is when those suicidal thoughts rush in like a flood.

I didn’t talk to anyone about what I was feeling. I was so low that no one could help me or reach me. I remember telling God, “If you won’t tell me why my life has be so painful then I’ll come and ask you to your face”. I took a bunch of pills and woke up a day and a half later blind and paralyzed in the hospital. I couldn’t speak, but I could hear what was going on around me. I was in that state for almost a week, a week of not being able to communicate with anyone but God. I remember being so angry at God for not letting me cross over to the other side where I could find a small piece of solace, a place where the pain couldn’t follow me into. I thought to myself anywhere but here on this earth facing my pain had to be better. It was then that I began to really think about my life and how I got to this point. How did I get to a point where I was no good for those who loved me? How did I get to the point where I had no more fight left in me? I realized that the prison I was living in was shame and guilt. Shame can put you in such a dark place that the only realities are what you create in your mind and for most suicide victims that place of absence from the body is more appealing than dealing with whatever issues occurring in their life at that time.

God spared me. I didn’t understand it at the time. During my dark season I couldn’t see any future with a bright outcome. I didn’t know God had purpose for me, purpose that led to success and greatness and not failure. It’s hard to see anything in the dark except lies, lies that you’re worthless and have no purpose. Looking into a mirror in the dark will reflect no value, only distrust of what the future could be once you let some light in. If you have family, friends, or close loved ones that has made the choice to commit suicide please give them GRACE and forgiveness and if you are considering suicide, I Love you and please try to find some light.